September 21, 2012

In memory of my loving great grandma Dolores. This piece was read in her memory

Today I had breakfast with my mom and great grandma. She is 85 years old, and every year in September she takes a long road trip to Florida where she spends the winter. She lives mostly alone, in a small house, and spends a lot of time with her friends; crocheting, playing cribbage, going for walks.
Today I got her talking. I asked about where she grew up, and she began to recall. In her eyes i could see her searching for the memories. straining back to days when she was a girl. Sharing stories about moments when she had upset her dad, about living on a farm, growing up in the middle of nowhere, of how sassy her older sister could be.

As she talked over and over again I couldn't help but think about how short life is. Now thankfully, my great grandma has so much life in her. After her doctors visit today they told her she was in "tip top shape"; strong and healthy for her age. But you can't help but admire the wrinkles and faded blue eyes and wonder, how do I make the most of it? How do I make sure that I can look back, and have no regrets?
At first I thought of things I need to do: all the places I want to visit, experiences I want to have. But those things are often influenced by chance, and aren't a solid measure for a life fully lived. And then I thought, perhaps its in how I see myself? Making sure that I somehow become more of the things I want to be, adventurous, free spirited, kind, and optimistic, so I can look back and be proud.

But before the day would end, my great gran would answer the question for me. and in simpler terms than I ever thought possible.

Its important to note that this woman has lived a long and hard life. she grew up during the depression, in the days where farmer's daughters received harsh punishment for their mistakes. Her whole life she worked tirelessly to earn every penny that she has. Often times my great grandma is fierce  but funny. She has a toughness to her and a great sense of humor, 

But today there was a softness in her I've never seen. When she hugged me goodbye she squeezed me tightly, and with her cheek squished onto mine, held on a bit longer than ever before. In that hug i was overwhelmed with her love. In her eyes I could see how happy she was that she had seen me before she left.
As we pulled away I said
"I love you grandma, have an amazing trip!"
and thoughtfully she looked at me, with those light blue glossy eyes gently smiling, and replied simply
"Oh I know i will, no matter what it will be wonderful,
because now I enjoy every bit of it"
and in her eyes i saw it
That same look I have when i gaze at the stars, take a deep breathe, or stop just to feel the wind on my face; those fleeting moments where I truly take it all in. I saw that in her eyes and in her whole presence
an unadulterated love and thankfulness for life, for the gift of breathing, and a reverence for simply being alive
and in her words I found my answer

You don't need big accomplishments, 10,000 experiences, or a life of no mistakes to know you've lived.
come what may, no matter how long the road trip, how hot the day, how bitter the headache, how hard the cry
the best you can do is to enjoy every bit of it. In its own way.

And I feel lighter knowing that, for better or worse, that is my only job in this place. in everything there is a reason to be thankful, because truly, we are alive and that in and of itself is an incredible gift. I'd rather it not take 70 years for me really realize it. Hows about starting right now?